Sunday, August 11, 2013


Let me start with this - I'm being treated for clinical depression. 

That doesn't mean I need a hug, or to sit around eating ice cream and talking about my feelings (although truth be known, I will rarely turn down an offer of ice cream.)

What it means is that my brain has been producing too much of one kind of neurotransmitter, and not enough of another, and I need medicine to help balance things out. 

Depression can affect energy levels, concentration, motivation, and motor control. I've been aware of the decline in all of those things, especially the motor control, and it has been a source of intense frustration. I didn't know what was happening, or why. Now I do.

There is a simple, scientific - and more importantly, treatable - reason for almost all of the struggles I've been having with my art for the past year or so. It's been a little over two weeks since I started treatment, and things are starting to improve bit by bit, although it will probably be a few more weeks before I'm quite myself again.

So I'm rebooting. Starting over. Starting fresh. As part of that, I've renewed my membership at the Toronto Zoo. When I was first starting to draw seriously, I went to the zoo pretty much every week to draw the animals. It seemed like a good place to start over. 

 These sketches and more on my Tumblr

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Getting back in the saddle

If you've been following this blog at all, you probably know by now that I'm really not a fan of my own work.

It got so bad that I pretty much quit drawing in January this year because I couldn't stand to look at anything I was making.  I haven't put down a single line in the past year that I haven't wanted to destroy on a molecular level, and I would still rather stab my eyes out than look at anything I'm drawing.

(By the way, if you have any well-intentioned but misguided comments right about now, feel free to keep them to yourself. It won't help me, and it'll just make me mistrust and possibly resent you. Also, Ira Glass can stick that entire lecture up his ass and STFU forever, because that means that this feeling of total inadequacy will never, ever get better and there is no such thing as a light at the end of the tunnel. So, really, really never ever quote him at me. Ever. Not even as a joke.)

Anyway, a little while ago I realized that the only thing worse than having to look at my art is not making any. And maybe, just maybe, if I work hard enough at it, eventually I'll start to get better.

So, here we go again, trying to climb back on the drawing horse and ride. Or draw. Or whatever.

Because like the blog says, I can't just quit.

I can't stop drawing. Not really.